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Explanations and Reflections
Mar. 8th, 2003 03:02 amWalking through a tunnel,
Can't always see the end.
But trust me when I tell you,
It's there, my friend.
First off, I wanted to apologize to anyone who gives a hoot for not being around lately and for offering very little explanation as to why. As I mentioned, I've been going through some stuff. Thankfully, while I'm still working things through somewhat, it's gotten to the point where I can do that and function semi-normally. Good thing I'm still on Spring Break. :-)
For my own reference, and once again, for anyone who cares, I just wanted to put into words a little of what's been going in my head since Sunday (the day Andy played his music for me).
School has been killing me. Literally and figuratively. When you're constantly getting the crap kicked out of you by papers, malnutrition, and sleep-deprivation, to say nothing of the issues plaguing your mind about the world at large, it becomes very, very easy to fall into a self-centered pattern. I felt like a victim of my circumstances, unable to feel motivated, just barely surviving long enough to drive home for Spring Break, vainly hoping to discover SOMETHING that would recharge my batteries and make me feel happy about having to go BACK to school in a week.
Well, I found it.
Or rather, I found Him. Again.
As I said, college has been becoming more and more of a self-centered experience for me. But it was so subtle and insidious a process, I really didn't notice. So when I found myself in Andy's company, and in church again, in the company of those who I *thought* I was like, it caught me off guard that I felt out of place, like a stranger, out of phase with everyone, including myself. You can only run from truth for so long before it catches up with you, and I was out of breath from running.
I've never been more glad about "losing" a race in my life.
I don't want to lay too much on you, but suffice it to say, God seems to have decided I've been making decisions without Him long enough, and it's about time I start paying attention to Him again. I didn't realize I hadn't been until I heard Andy's music, or rather, until I heard him singing and explaining his music, expressing openly and honestly just exactly how God is working in his life. I didn't realize how hungry I was to renew my relationship with God until that moment. It threw me for a loop, let me tell you! Here I was, placidly going through life, every once in awhile throwing a "Thank You" heavenward, figuring I was fine, and then I get the wind knocked out of me by a guy strumming his guitar in my backseat. That whole "God works in mysterious ways" thing? Completely true.
Anyway, all of that has been working its way through my mind and heart this week as I've been listening to Imminence and Smalltown Poets. That's another thing. Throughout the last six or seven years, I've noticed a trend. Whenever I've been close to God, I've listened to uplifting Christian music, and whenever I start to drift away, secular stuff appeals to me more. I'm not saying one is right and the other is wrong, but I've decided that if I'm going to start pursuing a better relationship with Jesus, I should really be trying to listen to what He has to say. So I've given up secular music for Lent. (Also junk food, but that's beside the point.)
I guess what I'm trying to say is that while it seemed like I was standing still for awhile, and while that worked OK, I'm still growing mentally and spiritually, and I really have to pay attention to and cultivate that process, or I'm going to end up as unhappy and tired as I was before Break. And we all know how grumpy Allison was before break! No need to repeat that cycle.
I'm feeling pretty good right now. Glad to get things aired out a little. I've been living with all of this crammed in my head all week, sorting itself out, and it was getting kind of claustrophobic there for a bit. Tomorrow is supposed to be 50-something degrees and sunny. I'm going roller-blading! In a cemetery, no less!
Back to school Sunday, early afternoon-ish (Okay, Scully? If you're around, call. We'll get food.) :-D
Hugs to everyone! Hope you're all doing okay, in spite of annoying coworkers and other not-so-fun life stuff. If it helps, I'm always thinking about my friends, and sending them little fairies to help them through their trials and such. :-)
Talk to you all soon.
Can't always see the end.
But trust me when I tell you,
It's there, my friend.
First off, I wanted to apologize to anyone who gives a hoot for not being around lately and for offering very little explanation as to why. As I mentioned, I've been going through some stuff. Thankfully, while I'm still working things through somewhat, it's gotten to the point where I can do that and function semi-normally. Good thing I'm still on Spring Break. :-)
For my own reference, and once again, for anyone who cares, I just wanted to put into words a little of what's been going in my head since Sunday (the day Andy played his music for me).
School has been killing me. Literally and figuratively. When you're constantly getting the crap kicked out of you by papers, malnutrition, and sleep-deprivation, to say nothing of the issues plaguing your mind about the world at large, it becomes very, very easy to fall into a self-centered pattern. I felt like a victim of my circumstances, unable to feel motivated, just barely surviving long enough to drive home for Spring Break, vainly hoping to discover SOMETHING that would recharge my batteries and make me feel happy about having to go BACK to school in a week.
Well, I found it.
Or rather, I found Him. Again.
As I said, college has been becoming more and more of a self-centered experience for me. But it was so subtle and insidious a process, I really didn't notice. So when I found myself in Andy's company, and in church again, in the company of those who I *thought* I was like, it caught me off guard that I felt out of place, like a stranger, out of phase with everyone, including myself. You can only run from truth for so long before it catches up with you, and I was out of breath from running.
I've never been more glad about "losing" a race in my life.
I don't want to lay too much on you, but suffice it to say, God seems to have decided I've been making decisions without Him long enough, and it's about time I start paying attention to Him again. I didn't realize I hadn't been until I heard Andy's music, or rather, until I heard him singing and explaining his music, expressing openly and honestly just exactly how God is working in his life. I didn't realize how hungry I was to renew my relationship with God until that moment. It threw me for a loop, let me tell you! Here I was, placidly going through life, every once in awhile throwing a "Thank You" heavenward, figuring I was fine, and then I get the wind knocked out of me by a guy strumming his guitar in my backseat. That whole "God works in mysterious ways" thing? Completely true.
Anyway, all of that has been working its way through my mind and heart this week as I've been listening to Imminence and Smalltown Poets. That's another thing. Throughout the last six or seven years, I've noticed a trend. Whenever I've been close to God, I've listened to uplifting Christian music, and whenever I start to drift away, secular stuff appeals to me more. I'm not saying one is right and the other is wrong, but I've decided that if I'm going to start pursuing a better relationship with Jesus, I should really be trying to listen to what He has to say. So I've given up secular music for Lent. (Also junk food, but that's beside the point.)
I guess what I'm trying to say is that while it seemed like I was standing still for awhile, and while that worked OK, I'm still growing mentally and spiritually, and I really have to pay attention to and cultivate that process, or I'm going to end up as unhappy and tired as I was before Break. And we all know how grumpy Allison was before break! No need to repeat that cycle.
I'm feeling pretty good right now. Glad to get things aired out a little. I've been living with all of this crammed in my head all week, sorting itself out, and it was getting kind of claustrophobic there for a bit. Tomorrow is supposed to be 50-something degrees and sunny. I'm going roller-blading! In a cemetery, no less!
Back to school Sunday, early afternoon-ish (Okay, Scully? If you're around, call. We'll get food.) :-D
Hugs to everyone! Hope you're all doing okay, in spite of annoying coworkers and other not-so-fun life stuff. If it helps, I'm always thinking about my friends, and sending them little fairies to help them through their trials and such. :-)
Talk to you all soon.
